She was beautiful on days when she decided to smile and even though it was as radiant as the sun, the content of her eyes told a different tale. It held words unuttered, sadness and something else i couldn’t quite fathom.
I guess it was this mysterious aura that tickled my fancy till we some how became friends. Don’t ask me about the others, they thought she was weird, a loner, a snob and most likely possessed by demons that made her unnecessarily sad too many a time.
It was a cool evening and I was sure she had heard me call out her name because when i eventually found her she said mechanically “i want to be alone”. I had had enough, what was this all about? and so i vented out “everyone thinks you are crazy, you know, feigning sadness like you are the only one home sick. Truthfully, I am tired of your attitude and you should be grateful that you even have me as a friend”. That was it, the triumphant confrontation. Pride must have spread across my face as i turned to leave but she stopped me.
It was the voice she spoke in, it was different from any tone i had heard her speak in, it held hurt, betrayal, anger, and i suddenly felt guilty. This was not the plan, she should feel guilty not me, she was the one shutting everyone out ruthlessly not me… Her next words stopped me in my tracks and i suddenly felt grateful for the semi-darkness we stood in ” do you know what it feels like to be raped by your own uncle at the age of 10, what it feels like to struggle with your mind to stop replaying helpless scenes of you fighting an already lost battle, how it feels to feel worth less trying to drown the familiar voices in your head saying it is alright to end your life. How cutting your self becomes your therapy because physical pain feels so good when juxtaposed with the rawness in your heart that was as tangible as it was in tangible… ”
She must have continued some what in that direction but i stopped listening, it was too hard to watch and listen. So i chose to watch, to soak my eyes in her frail body vibrating uncontrollably as her mouth moved on. In that moment, she was broken, she was in pieces, she was depressed but all i did was watch. It was all i could do well after all.
Photocredit:Okokon Elizabeth (thanks for letting me use this picture)