My name is Nkem and I am angry. Upset. Mad. Infuriated.
Don’t ask me why. Please. Don’t ask me.
If I tell you, you would judge me and it is not worth it. But you are insisting, so…
I am here, sitting through worship, wondering why on earth he did not show up. I have dressed up and undergone the torture of putting on makeup amidst chants of: “so you are fine like this, omalichanwan, don’t worry, you will find a husband today” and that sort of annoying talk from the girls and as if that is not enough, I am putting on my undersized stilettos because I am a lady and he looked like the kind of guy that would like a lady.
Right now, my face is slimy and it is the heat emanating from the uncalculated movements of the worshippers dancing with reckless abandon and doing harm to my sweat pores because, “God is good”. See, I am angry and it is the “why” I just told you.
So go ahead, judge me. I went to church in my best attire to impress a guy i think i am in love with and he did not show up.
I’m waiting. Start saying in your mind how risibly stupid my behavior is, but let me explain myself.
It is not as if i planned to get myself in this “my heart is breaking” situation. Not at all. I was on my own last Sunday, worshipping my Savior when i caught sight of him… full faced beauty of a man in worship. I don’t know what that expression means but it sounds just about right. So yes, read it again and then let’s continue…
As i was saying, he was sitting two rows from me and gosh was he crying? My goodness. There was an “awwwwwn” moment, and that is how I started observing. Eye brows, full lips, nice shirt… Okay get back in line. So where was i? Yes, so I was staring and I think “I’m in love with you” must have been written in my eyes cause he sorta-kinda smiled when he turned in my direction.
I died of embarrassment.
Of course, neck turned, eyes closed, lips curved downward, hands raised, but heart was analyzing how “not too bad” the situation was.
I ran into him yesterday and i was unkempt. He waved at me; I panicked and gave a “this is not happening” smile. That is why I dressed up this morning. To show that what he saw yesterday is not all there is to me. He did not show up.
My name is Nkem and I am angry. Judge me.
Judge me if you remember the last time you went to church to actually seek God’s face.
Photocredit: Google image